Love Letters the Universe 04
What’s on my brain right now? Currently playing Winds of Change by the 80s rock band, Scorpions. Polar Vortexes and why does Adam Levine think we care if he takes off his shirt during the half time show? Random, I know, but this is how my brain is functioning today while the rain has taken over LA. For the last week, I planned to write so I could keep to my schedule of one post a week, but every time I’d show up and write a little, I was instantly met with 2 small dogs and one giant pizza dog toy. If you’ve met Wille Nelson and Buju, then you know, when they want to play, it’s time to play. After all, isn’t this practice of being in the moment, the perfect excuse for puppy playtime? I’ll admit, after a few times of this, I noticed a trend bubbling up inside me: self-inflicted guilt. This overwhelming feeling was a like a growing anxiety bomb inside me. I felt so guilty for putting aside my time for writing, as well as my weekly goal, to “dick around” with the dogs. But really I wasn’t dicking around. That mad dash of anxiety was coming from the ego mind, freaking out that things are changing. So that leads me to the next thing I’d like to share: the rumblings of change happening.
As I sit here on the floor of my living room, reviewing my notes from the 2 weeks about this love experiment, I realized that I have lost track of time concerning days and dates. I guess my practice of being in the present moment is slowly pushing my future tripping off its pretty pedestal. The slight changes occurring look more like fireflies buzzing around in a lush green meadow vs. huge lightning bolts striking the Tower. I’m taking this as a positive sign that I finally understand the art of surrender.
I’d like to describe this energy as little yods dancing all around. At first, I thought the Ace of Cups came to mind and then that visual was confirmed during this weekend’s Astral Travel crystal grid with 22 Teachings when the oracle card I received just so happened to be the Ace of Cups. In those moments I like to say out loud in my Oprah voice, Yes, Universe I’m listening!
While the art of surrendering is still a daily practice, it’s given me that space I need actually to SEE the energy that is playing around me. As I’m witnessing this within myself, I’m also seeing changes occur for others around me. It seems the recent lunar eclipse had one more powerful Leo belly roar to lay upon us. Thank you Super Blood Moon. I need to clarify that changes for me aren't widely visible on the outside for all the world to see, but they sure are occurring inside my soul. Personal growth would be the best way to describe it. It's exciting but also packs a punch of anxiety in the gut. It’s like the ego mind is freaking the hell out because old patterns are changing. Hence the whole self-inflicted guilt dance I mentioned above. I’ve woken up the last few days with my heart pumping with anxiety. This isn’t a regular occurrence, but I’m assuming this crazy weather isn’t helping either.
Almost essential to note during my last 2 weeks: I started therapy again. While this form of treatment might be uncomfortable for some, I honestly have no problem with it. It’s helped me throughout my life just to be able to chat with someone and to be heard, without putting the strain on my friendships and family. This first session with my new therapist was more of like a meet and greet. I gave her my “story,” and at the end, I added, “I know it’s a lot.” and she replied back, “People who live life, tend to have a lot.” This to me was music to my ears. She’s right, at the end of the day, I can honestly say that I have LIVED. As I left that session, I gave a silent high five to the Universe for introducing me to someone that gets me and another high five for making sure I didn’t hear that statement said in a negative tone.
I booked the therapy appointment during Christmas break. Only weeks ago but I was definitely at a low moment due to my rock bottom of feeling alone. I’m glad that past me was looking out for future me. Self-care comes in many forms, and for the last couple years, I’ve been diving in deep on what that looks like. I guess this year I’m adding back in more of a traditional form and mixing it with my healing modalities like acupuncture, herbs, reiki and sound healing. I’m interested to see how this plays out.
While the water is boiling for me on my end of the spectrum in regards to change, here are some moments that capture my week:
Monday-Wednesday: Learned that I am an unspecific manifester when it comes to Human Design. This was a bummer when I first was diving into my HD chart, but I discovered it fits my personality just right. I love adventure and can quickly pivot when needed. So now I'm looking at it as a playful blessing that adds an extra dose of excitement to mi vida loca. So far, I've been testing it out this week. I managed to call in 2 free lunches (thanks to the Daily Harvest IRL pop up), a Chaga latte that kept on giving and an upcoming trip to Marfa to attend one of my favorite creative camps and the first ever #TeamPixel Summit!
Thursday-Friday: Other thoughts that came up are how important is that I add innovation back into my life. While work provides lots of opportunities for creativity, I miss diving into the entrepreneurial side of myself. Aries Sun, are you surprised? So I've started playing around with some ideas that I hope to launch within the next couple of months. Excited to diversify my interests again and get back into building community.
Thursday brought a surprise dinner with a good friend from out of town. It was fun to catch up on life and see how much we've all grown. Each of us doing our own thing and not conforming to traditional social norms. While that's great for most people, it's important to recognize that there are lots of dreams out there that don't include kids and a white picket fence. Just a reminder that YOU are the creator of YOUR dream and that is what makes life worth living.
This week I powered through the Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz thanks to Audible. It's a beautiful book recommended by Shaman Redwood. I read it about 10 years ago but sadly forgot about the agreements. The first one: "Be Impeccable with your word," really hit hard. I realized that I haven't been. Not for my true self anyways. I recognize entirely now that for years I've been saying one thing and feeling another when it came to certain people in my life. I felt as if I had to continue those relationships due to a fear of abandonment which occurred regardless. The gifts that were received from those friendship breakups were so many that they keep revealing themselves today. I guess that would happen when relationships that ranged from 7-14 years are over just like that.
Last weekend was devoted to Jikiden Reiki, Okuden Level II. I'm happy to share that I am now certified for distance Reiki! In 2017, I started my journey with Usui (Western Tradition) Reiki. I would never have thought I've dive deeper into the healing modality, but I really love the Jikiden style, history, and tradition. The sacredness of it plays nicely with Hermetic Qabalah.
Last but not least, spent some much needed time resting. Sam's battled another bug, while the office at work was in sick mode. On the upside, got some much-needed girl time in with good friends and lots of talks about spirituality and a little talk about Kardashians. All in all, it’s been a good couple of weeks.